I wish I could blog more............

I am horrible at keeping up with my blogging/journal entries. There has been so much that has gone on in the past months since my last post. When I am sad I just don't want to post, I feel the dark thoughts in my head will shy people away from me. I am learning to be me, not who everyone expects me to be. It can be mentally exhausting to try and conform into the box everyone wants me to fit in.

I am unique, special, dark, bubbly, comforting, loving, happy, sad, thrilling, and at the same time dull. I like being alone, it allows me self reflection without having to answer to anyone. No meals to make, details to works out, questions to answer....nothing. I like nothingness as well as being busy. I guess that makes me a difficult to understand person.

My journey to onederland was completed last month. I have had my official 199 weight check at the surgeons office. It was a goal I thought would make me feel different, but I don't. I still have a long way to go, but it is a drop in the bucket compared to the 100 pounds I have lost.

I am still deeply troubled that I can't come out with this news in celebration. I see many of my weight loss buddies do that. I am proud, my friend gave me a balloon, but I don't look in the mirror and feel like celebrating. I don't know the reason why I got so high up in the numbers to begin with. I admit to being ashamed that I needed surgery to get here.

The band failed me, so I had to have a revision to RNY in January of 2013. Last summer I started noticing swelling that was uncontrollable. It was so bad my skin around my ankles would run over the tops of my shoes, I developed carpal tunnel syndrome and would having issues eating ( everything would get stuck and my acid reflux acted up). I had surgery for CT due to moderate to severe nerve damage in October and November. The pain I had was off the charts when I would wake up. Closing my hand was almost impossible for 2-3 hours after waking. Getting dressed was a challenge. After recovery 99% of my symptoms resolved, now I just have some scar pain, but it is super manageable.

In December my doctors suggested that I may not be tolerating the band due to the swelling and acid reflux after a unfill of the band didn't solve my issues with getting sick eating meats. We planned the revision surgery for January 14th and my life changed. The decision was very difficult since I knew the complications. Thankfully I had minimal pain and the swelling resolved 3 days after surgery. I do have vomiting issues from my stomach being irritable with stress. I don't even try to eat anymore if I am having a tough time emotionally.

The weight loss has been awesome, 58 pounds since the beginning of the year. I never dreamed this was possible for me. I have 30  pounds to go and I know i will be successful with the easy part of this. The hard part will be maintaining the loss and the emotional aspects that I continue to work on.

I love the #'s I see, hate the health issues ( the need for fusion surgery/fibromylasia that will always be part of my life). I love that my blood work is awesome, I enjoy trying on clothes for the first time...............ever:-)

My goals are now to work on fitness, working out in the water is all I can do with my back issues. I found someone who I think is an amazing instructor.....and I just love how I feel after I exercise. I also need to work on my issues with the loose skin. We can't afford the surgery to fix it, so I need to figure out way around it. It is something I can deal with:-)

Thank you for reading if you made it this far. Always remember, don't judge someone who is fat, or skinny. You don't know what medical issues could be keeping them at that weight.

Counting matters......

I have been counting my calories since I had my big unfill. It is a royal pain as the foods I eat need to be set up so I can easily click to make things easier. I also don't know when I eat 1/2 or 1/3 or I choose 1/2 even if it was probably closer to 1/3.

Most days I am over, not huge news, but shows where a big spot I need to work on. I figure if I am not where I need to be calorie-wish, how can I complain about not losing. I am really surprised how many calories are in Salad.

I need to spend some time this weekend just writing food uniforms. A 1500 a day unit that I can pick and choose from. There is an appeal to the boxed meal diet programs, I hate having to THINK. I am also smart enough to know when I start eating on my own the weight would come back on for sure.

So I have been researching and planning meals. Would love to know if you have any favorite low calorie meals that would fit into a 300(B) 700(L) 500(D) day.

a day in the life........

Ok what is the worst OMG moment you had?

When you are banded, you tend to chew the heck out of everything by design. Some things go past the band easier than others, but for the most part you chew chew chew. Last week I was in Austin, Texas eating dinner with friends. I was dared to try things I didn't like and see if I liked them again. They don't know I have the band, so I agreed reluctantly. The first they had me try was green peas, not so bad I can deal with them if they are frozen and not cooked to mushy. Score for me.......

The issue came when they had me try Oysters. I had never tasted them before, and really didn't know what to expect. I watched my friend eat them, he added hot sauce and downed it. I asked if he chewed and he said he did. So I got the smallest one possible and sauced it up. I tilted my head back with his eyes not moving off my face. I missed his smirk, or I would have stopped right there.

When the oyster got in my mouth I panicked. It was terribly fishy which always makes me gag, I tried to chew and salty fishy goo went down my throat. I almost threw up at the table. I gagged and swallowed it down as best I could.  I was in the please don't throw up mode,  I didn't even THINK about my band. I was thankful at that moment for the unfill I needed due to vomiting issues(I have to have surgery and was pretty stressed). The idea of getting stuck on something sooooooooooo fishy made chills go down my spine. See if you get stuck your stomach produces slim to help move the food along. Your opening to the stomach is blocked, so it has to come out. I can't begin to think how bad hot sauce and oyster juice would feel coming back up EWWWW. Never again!

I guess it was worth it as his belly laughter told me he was pleased with himself for making me entertain him lol. What you do for birthday boys:-)

Day one, groundhog day continues.

I was diagnosed with anxiety and Hashimotos ( Thyroid autoimmune disease) in 2000 and everything hit the wall from that point on. I tried to keep busy but the weight piled on with the antidepressants and the wait for my thyroid to stabilize. Eating out was easier as we stayed very busy with two kids. I didn't keep up with the exercise as I should and the spiral up was evident.

It was decided in 2009 that I wanted to lose the weight and have a healthier life for my kids. I had a Lapband surgically placed to assist in my weight loss efforts. It is a not a quick fix, it is a tool that I needed to lose weight. I had tried everything but the success rate did not stop the eventual regain.

In the three years since surgery I have lost 50 for the 125 that would put me at a healthy BMI. I still hesitate to say the numbers publicly but it is my intention to share and stop shoving the history of me under the rug. I am very proud of maintaining the weight loss for 2 years.

 I often reflect on why I stopped losing the weight, I believe it was a combination of braces and not tracking my calories. The braces made it very difficult to eat and I went from eating lots of harder to digest foods to softer foods that digest quickly leaving me hungry sooner. When I went in for my appointments to tighten my braces, I found shakes and mashed potatoes my companions. Identifying this has been easier than correcting the issues.

I am proud to say the TMJ has been resolved with the braces treatment. I have learned how to avoid some of the pitfalls, but regret the two years of weight loss I missed out on due to this treatment.

Today is day one, and tomorrow will be day one and the next will be as well. Everyday is a new day to be successful in my journey to onederland.