I am horrible at keeping up with my blogging/journal entries. There has been so much that has gone on in the past months since my last post. When I am sad I just don't want to post, I feel the dark thoughts in my head will shy people away from me. I am learning to be me, not who everyone expects me to be. It can be mentally exhausting to try and conform into the box everyone wants me to fit in.
I am unique, special, dark, bubbly, comforting, loving, happy, sad, thrilling, and at the same time dull. I like being alone, it allows me self reflection without having to answer to anyone. No meals to make, details to works out, questions to answer....nothing. I like nothingness as well as being busy. I guess that makes me a difficult to understand person.
My journey to onederland was completed last month. I have had my official 199 weight check at the surgeons office. It was a goal I thought would make me feel different, but I don't. I still have a long way to go, but it is a drop in the bucket compared to the 100 pounds I have lost.
I am still deeply troubled that I can't come out with this news in celebration. I see many of my weight loss buddies do that. I am proud, my friend gave me a balloon, but I don't look in the mirror and feel like celebrating. I don't know the reason why I got so high up in the numbers to begin with. I admit to being ashamed that I needed surgery to get here.
The band failed me, so I had to have a revision to RNY in January of 2013. Last summer I started noticing swelling that was uncontrollable. It was so bad my skin around my ankles would run over the tops of my shoes, I developed carpal tunnel syndrome and would having issues eating ( everything would get stuck and my acid reflux acted up). I had surgery for CT due to moderate to severe nerve damage in October and November. The pain I had was off the charts when I would wake up. Closing my hand was almost impossible for 2-3 hours after waking. Getting dressed was a challenge. After recovery 99% of my symptoms resolved, now I just have some scar pain, but it is super manageable.
In December my doctors suggested that I may not be tolerating the band due to the swelling and acid reflux after a unfill of the band didn't solve my issues with getting sick eating meats. We planned the revision surgery for January 14th and my life changed. The decision was very difficult since I knew the complications. Thankfully I had minimal pain and the swelling resolved 3 days after surgery. I do have vomiting issues from my stomach being irritable with stress. I don't even try to eat anymore if I am having a tough time emotionally.
The weight loss has been awesome, 58 pounds since the beginning of the year. I never dreamed this was possible for me. I have 30 pounds to go and I know i will be successful with the easy part of this. The hard part will be maintaining the loss and the emotional aspects that I continue to work on.
I love the #'s I see, hate the health issues ( the need for fusion surgery/fibromylasia that will always be part of my life). I love that my blood work is awesome, I enjoy trying on clothes for the first time...............ever:-)
My goals are now to work on fitness, working out in the water is all I can do with my back issues. I found someone who I think is an amazing instructor.....and I just love how I feel after I exercise. I also need to work on my issues with the loose skin. We can't afford the surgery to fix it, so I need to figure out way around it. It is something I can deal with:-)
Thank you for reading if you made it this far. Always remember, don't judge someone who is fat, or skinny. You don't know what medical issues could be keeping them at that weight.
